Well, I have finally come to the decision that I need to lose weight, eat right, exercise (GAH) and get my butt into shape. I’ve been thinking that I need to do this for a while now- ever since my tooth kicked up a fit about my eating sugar and I no longer CAN eat sugar for fear of my tooth throwing a fit- but I’ve been lazy. I hate exercising, and the veggies we currently have at home are carrots and corn. My two least favorites.
But recently- since my obsession and adoration for Burt’s Bees started, and my skin started to improve- I’ve been thinking that it’d be nice to have a body I can be as comfortable with as I now am with my skin. Because even though my skin is still blemished, it’s improved enough that I am okay with not wearing foundation. Which is weird. First time that’s happened in at least four years.
And no, I don’t want to be comfortable enough that I don’t feel like I need to wear the body’s equivalent of foundation, which would be… y’know… clothes. That would just be awkward.
I haven’t ever liked my body, though. I mean, there are parts of it that I think are attractive. I have a small waist compared to the rest of my body. My face is pretty okay . I used to like my belly pooch, until it got marginally bigger and now rivals my boobs in how far it sticks out. (Which isn’t hard. I have small boobs.) I like my legs from the knee down.
My main reason for wanting to get fit and lose some weight (that I DO need to lose, so don’t argue with me that I look skinny enough. y’all only ever see me from the waist up. I’ll post some full-body pictures and then you can decide.) is not to be healthier, to learn to be healthy so that when I get married I can raise a healthy family, or to be a better example to my family (because they need HELP! *sigh*)…
My main reason for wanting to be healthy? Well, there was this dude I once knew- the one who I was dangerously close to loving, who I thought was the one, and then my parents had a talk with him and he decided he didn’t want to be that serious with me and he found a new chick who he is now going to marry-? Him. Yeah. Well, he no longer has a hold on my heart or my feelings whatsoever. BUT… I’m rolling my eyes at myself, because one of the biggest reasons I want to lose weight is so if I ever see him and his fiancee again, I will have the best body I’ve ever had. And maybe, just maybe…
*sigh* Okay fine. I’ll admit it. I want him to regret it. Just a little bit. I want to see him after I’ve lost weight and am happily healthy and fully confident in my beauty, and I want him to be amazed that I look SO much better than I did when he and I were a pseudo-couple, and I want him to wonder what it would have been like if he’d stuck with me instead of with his fiancee. Especially since I’ve seen recent pictures of him and I know he’s gained weight, plus my best friend just texted me and said he was a mess.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to want to leave his fiancee or regret loving her. She is an awesome woman, I liked her when I knew her, and I think that they both deserve the happiness that they have. I wish them all the luck and joy in the world in their relationship. I’m happy for both of them that they’re getting married. I have no feelings of anger or regret or envy towards her or him.
So why, and what do I want him to regret…? I don’t know, really. It’s just that lingering feeling that I wish he’d shown more remorse than he did at dropping me for her. I don’t want her to feel any pain or doubt that he loves her. I actually hope that she doesn’t know about the feelings I had for him at all. I just…
Completely and wholly separated from the fact that he’s engaged to a wonderful woman who deserves every happiness in the world, I want him to realize that he missed the chance to remain in my future, and I want him to know that I am so much better off without him. Because the latter part is so very true. I learned so much from him, and I am so much better off without him. I want him to know that.
Ugh. And I hate admitting that, but it’s very true.
So starting today, starting with NOW, with the meal that I’m about to make and consume and the rest of the day’s hours, I will be driving myself towards the healthier me. This means eating whole wheat instead of white wheat- something that isn’t hard for me as I rarely eat bread as it is- eating breakfast every day- a really hard thing for me. Not a food-in-the-morning person- having vegetables and/or fruits with every meal (and eating them FIRST), and not eating any sugar except minimal fructose when I absolutely need it for flavor.
Giving up the sugar isn’t hard. I’ve been a month or so without sugar now, and I’m still alive. No more cravings for sugar. However, I have been wanting something fruity for a while now. Bolthouse and Odwalla will definitely be helping me get through the future days when the cycle that all women go through once a month hits me and I NEED SWEET FOOD NOW.
I just need to go that extra step and eat a portion of vegetables that is as big as the portion of meat on my plate. Curbing my wants to eat more when I’m definitely full. I need to keep water with me at all times, and drink it when I’m feeling like I particularly need a snack outside of the two alloted. I need to at least walk every other day, do situps, jog if I can work up to that. Maybe dig out the old Exercise with Maksim and Cheryl from Dancing With The Stars DVD and make time to do a half hour of dance exercises. Or use the Wii.
I will also be working to drop this selfish need to have him regret dropping me, because it’s not a feeling I want to have.
Root me on! Join me in my journey. Let’s get healthier together, not only in body, but in mind and soul and heart.
Promised pictures, and beginning of the weight/measurement journal that I hope will take me (or us) all the way to being the healthiest I(we) can be. I just want you to know how incredibly hard it is for me to post pictures of myself right now that show my entire body. Even in trying to take a show-all picture of my true figure, you can see I unconsciously posed in a way that tried to diminish the hips and belly. But that’s me, and it’s going to change. I’ll try to do weekly or every-other-week picture posts of my progress, good or bad. And I’ll try to have weekly accounts of how I’m doing.
Height (not gonna change, but it’s a factor): 5’6-1/2″
Boobs (also unimportant. But I like to keep track): 36″
Belly Pooch/top of Hips (:)) : 37″
Widest Part of Thighs: 27-1/2
Goal weight/BMI: 130lbs/20.7
Before y’all get hissy about how I don’t have a horrible figure and I shouldn’t feel like I need to lose 35ish lbs… as much as I currently want that dude to regret it a little, this isn’t just about him. This is about the future. This is about after having kids, when I won’t be as able to exercise. This is about making my body as fit and HEALTHY as it can be NOW, so that it will be easier to stay healthy once I’ve gone through the experiences that are known to cause women to gain weight such as getting married and having babies and getting older.
So thank you if you think I look okay. I’m not obsessed with being a stick figure. I’m not MADE to be a stick figure. But I want to honor God with this body and make it as healthy a temple for Him as I can, and right now… it ain’t a healthy temple. 🙂