An Honest Talk about Weight

If anyone needs a little warning that this post contains some honest body image talk, here it is. I talk about my weight gains and surrounding factors and some struggles I have with weight. I understand completely if you simply scroll on past and only look at the pictures!

This year has been hard.

I don’t think anyone would disagree, it’s been a rough year emotionally, physically, mentally, and medically for so many people. And to be honest, sometimes I feel as though my problems and emotions are really small in the grand scheme of things. I am healthy. My family is healthy. Covid-19 has really only impacted us financially, but we have help. In the vast overview of the year, we are the lucky ones. But I also strongly believe that just because someone else has bigger problems than your own does not mean your own problems are therefore not valid. Someone else may have it worse, but you are a human being, your feelings are valid, and your emotional responses to things are normal.
Dress, vintage (similar here, here, here, and  here) ||  Brooch, gift (similar) || headscarf, vintage (similar) || shoes, Modcloth (similar) || belt, from another dress (similar) || Tights, old (similar) || earrings, vintage (similar)

And this year has been weird. Emotionally and physically, I have been dealing with changes that are less extreme from this year.

This year, I had a baby. We moved to a new town, to a new house, the furthest away from my parents and in-laws I’ve ever lived. My husband got a new job, then that workplace dissolved, then he got another job… whose pay never raised like we expected it to. In fact, his hours were short in some places due to the shutdowns of Covid-19. Thankfully, he’s an essential worker or we never would have survived those shutdowns… but that means less work for them to send him on. Which means financially, even though he’s essential, we have only barely scraped by. Thankfully I can still sell vintage, but this year I realized vintage selling on top of motherhood on top of having a new baby on top of writing and YouTubing and blogging… was one thing too many. I’m thankful for all it provides, but it’s changed from a fun hobby into a source of stress and anxiety. Every time I look at the piles around my house waiting to be sold, I just feel like I’m drowning.

And, in all the minor stresses of this year… I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Not only has this year thrown us for a loop financially and emotionally and mentally, but also physically.

And as much as I believe that all bodies are good, valid, and beautiful no matter their size or shape… I haven’t been winning in the battle for confidence. Last week I cried about my weight for the first time ever. I saw myself through the lens of a camera filming me from angles I never take myself and I broke down. I sobbed. In all honesty, I am not comfortable in my body. Emotionally and mentally, the weight gained from postpartum depression, anxiety over current events, depression, lack of caring whether I’m taking care of myself… it’s not comfortable. Physically, I have back problems and a diastasis recti and the potential for diabetes if I don’t take care of my health.

This year I’ve been reminded that a big part of lasting confidence and loving my body at any size is also caring for it in ways that make me feel nourished, strong, and healthy. I have become embarrassed to eat cake or sweets in front of people. I avoid photos unless I’m in control of them, and never let anyone take pictures from the side. I’m doing the very thing I never wanted to do — not be seen.

So, I am going to try to use this blog as a way to regain my sense of confidence and self-love at any size. I am going to be seen. From any angle or all angles. And, I am taking steps to regain my sense of health and strength.

I am returning to intuitive eating – something I did years ago and fell away from through depression and postpartum anxiety and having children that often interrupt my natural rhythm. I am working to heal my diastasis recti through physical therapy sessions, and trying to find happy movement I can do daily that feels good and gets my heart rate up.

After having grandparents with diabetes, a mom with pre-diabetes, aunts diagnosed with and passing away from cancer, and other health risks running in my family… I don’t want to be another statistic. But I don’t want to become obsessed with diet and numbers either. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be strong. I want to be pain-free. I want to eat without feeling guilt or shame, without being uncomfortably full or mindless about what is going in. I want to love my body again.

I want to be okay with being seen as I am from any angle.

If you, too, have been struggling with your body image this year I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m always here to chat about the good, bad, and ugly. Please don’t hesitate to message me! If I can be encouragement, I will. But here’s to working toward being kind to ourselves no matter the numbers on the scale or the inches on the measuring tape.

Dress, vintage (similar here, here, here, and  here) ||  Brooch, gift (similar) || headscarf, vintage (similar) || shoes, Modcloth (similar) || belt, from another dress (similar) || Tights, old (similar) || earrings, vintage (similar)